Miten pieniä me ollaan
How Small We Are: A Guest Blog from Kathy Criswell!
Hello dear friends and soon-to-be-pals, it’s been a little bit, hasn’t it?
Recently I was presented with the opportunity to see Delain, Altamullan Road, and Damian Wilson in the Netherlands! Although that show was amazing in itself, I’m probably going to spend entirely too long talking about the second show in Zwolle that had only Altamullan Road and Damian. Also, I’ll be sharing my hilarious adventures in getting to the shows in the first place.
Before I drag you all down into a rabbit hole of feelings, I need to explain some things. Earlier this year, I had a 10-day stay in Finland where I met quite a few of my friends and made some more, seeing Altamullan Road a few times along the way. I’m a firm believer in making friends wherever you can—even if you don’t think you’ll ever see them again!
That trip, while whimsical and so very cathartic, made me realize just how small myself and my loved ones are in the grand scheme of the world. It put a lot of things into perspective and gave me a sense of self that I had been missing. We spend so much of our lives trying to be unique and forge our own path, that we forget the power of the mundane—the comfort of blending in.
That being said, Finland spoiled me… badly. I never missed a flight and their transit was very user friendly. Their markets were great, and I never had problems navigating. It was perfect, truly.
That did not happen in the Netherlands, not at all. It’s funny, now that I’m home. This trip was the exact opposite, but also yielded one of the most profound experiences of my life (so far!). So you won’t catch me complaining one bitty bit. It’s all for the plot anyway, right?
Way back in March, I had a Friday off of work for once and planned on enjoying it. I had gotten paid after working an abhorrent amount of overtime and I wanted a little treat. So I visited my sister at a coffee shop and stopped at a place to grab lunch so I could surprise my wife with something yummy. As I was waiting, I got a notification that Delain had posted something on Instagram. (side note: if you’re looking to prevent yourself from getting lost in social media scrolling, I recommend turning on notifications for specific accounts and muting everything else on social media—it works!).
When I checked it, I legitimately gasped aloud—they were going to have Altamullan Road open for them! And… some guy that I wasn’t familiar with named Damian Wilson (don’t fret—he is now my friend!).
I already felt quite lucky to see Altamullan Road three times in Finland, but I knew that I wanted to go so badly. But I had just gotten back from Finland only two months prior, and I’m just a simple manager at a Starbucks. So, another trip wasn’t really feasible for me. I was a little crushed, I won’t lie. I cried on the way home, but I felt so terrible for doing so. I was being petulant, I know. But I wanted to be there! I love Delain and I love the people that surround them, so I knew that so many of my favorite people would be in one spot. I would get to see my friends and some of my favorite people.
As I wandered into my apartment and handed over the food I had grabbed, I broke down to my wife and explained that I felt ungrateful for even being sad. I admitted defeat and moved on. Then, a few hours later, something pretty miraculous happened.
I was on a voice call celebrating the fifth birthday of the Nightwish Reacticide Discord server when someone messaged me and asked if they could sponsor my trip to the NL. At first I was stunned—that’s a huge thing to offer! May was not that far away. Would I even have time to pack and plan? It didn’t matter, I love Altamullan Road enough to follow them as far as I can—and I planned on it. Delain was a bonus and I had no idea who Damian was, but if he was associated with them… he must have been good people too.
So I bought my ticket to the Netherlands, grabbed a Delain ticket, and bought three of the tickets to see Altamullan Road in Zwolle because at 10€ a ticket… well, that seemed criminally low. Also, I wanted to rope some of my friends into going (which I did!) and free tickets are a good way to do that.
I tried to find some places to stay near the venue and ended up finding this charming studio in the city center, about a 15 minute walk away. I also noticed that their public transport was a little too pricey for all the stops that I had to make. I had friends who needed rides if they could go, so I decided to just rent a car and (lovingly) forced my friend Bear to drive.
Immediately after that, I got COVID, which knocked me out for two weeks. After that, my job asked me to work some crazy hours. Did I mention I’m also writing and self-marketing a book I plan to publish in November? Yeah, it was a bit hectic. However, I knew that the end result would be me seeing my favs on stage and that made it all worth it. That’s always what makes it worth it, right? Live music and smiles from my favorite little angels on stage. <3
The day before I left, I got the coolest hair done by my friend. The only problem was that I planned on doing a good rinse before I left, but I ran out of time before I set out for the airport. Usually, I leave out of O’Hare since it’s cheaper, but to avoid the 3-hour drive, I decided that the airport 10 minutes away was fine. This meant I did a lot of travel with a bright purple scalp and stain on my skin, ha!
The freshest of hairdos
Well, I’m used to airports that are open 24/7 and in the dinky little town of Moline, Illinois, that was not the case. So I arrived to a closed airport and was nicely let in by a janitor who reminded me of the character Ahti from the game Control, minus the excessive use of “perkele.” I proceeded to sit there, bubbling with excitement, while a man with a floor waxer made his rounds.
Security was fine—they laughed at me for having a suitcase full of candy (not exaggerating, it was all candy and presents) and I left for Atlanta for the first of three layovers.
First, my phone charger broke off inside my phone. It didn’t even get stuck, it just ceased to exist and literally fell out. So, I had to use my backup battery plus my iPad charger to keep my phone charged. Then, we got stuck in the air for an extra hour and I got to see what a funnel cloud looks like from the sky. It’s still pretty scary, haha.
We landed at some cargo airport for fuel where I subsequently missed both of my connecting flights. Now, this is where I began to panic because I had a car to pick up from the airport and Bear was meeting me. Plus I was hungry and all the little machines had was sugary nonsense. I’m diabetic and while I’m pretty low-maintenance, I still don’t like eating straight up sugar because it makes me super unwell. That plus a looming 8-hour flight didn’t bode well.
I managed to rebook a direct flight to Amsterdam and would arrive even earlier than before. But then I missed that flight too. Finally after three rebooked flights and a small crying session, I made it back into the air. Someone stole my favorite little hair clip, but I did have an entire row to myself, which made it all worth it. It was a cute clip too—maybe it will be their favorite as well. I told my wife someone took it and she ordered some more to arrive before I would even land back in the States. That’s love!
Then I got a message from my friends saying that they were excited to meet me and my mood immediately perked up! As someone who grew up quite lonely, I’m still surprised to know that I have so many good pals in so many places! And even cooler is that I met most of them this past year! Sometimes our brains get the best of us and we just need a reminder that people love and care for us.
When I landed at Schiphol, I was exhausted and felt like a bag of sweaty garbage that had been sitting in the sun. I had checked the weather and it said it was supposed to be a springtime cool… but it was hot. And humid. Which I didn’t pack for. All I wanted was some water, food, and coffee. So, I managed to find a Starbucks with the kindest barista who complimented my hair and gave me a free heart donut! Shout-out to that lady, because she really made my day!
After that, it was a quick journey to find Bear and head towards our rental station. As I’m walking, my phone is pinging with different tags and messages about how excited people are for me. I don’t let myself get too outwardly upset often, but I was tired, stinky, and frazzled, but after that, immediately all the grumpies floated away.
… until I tried to get my rental, which was a headache caused by no one. The guy at Enterprise was a champ though, truly. To make a long story short, even when you tell your banks that you’re traveling, always keep one card that’s international friendly and be ready to put an abhorrent deposit down on a car. Regardless, after some international phone tag, I had a car and we headed towards our destination.
I immediately fell asleep in the car, with all my chins on display. I love unflattering photos, they tickle me. So, when Bear sent me this photo, I died laughing. Yep, that’s me.
The one where Kathy melted
When we finally parked and realized that parking was expensive in Dordrecht, we unpacked and ended up meeting a friend from Discord/Instagram! We chatted for a long bit about Nightwish, our travels, and what we were doing in the Netherlands—thanks to him for giving us souvenirs from Bulgaria and some stickers! We found this restaurant that served the coolest spread of meats and cheeses and I’m now extremely obsessed with the parmesan red pesto they had. And the rose lemonade!
Later that night, we explored the studio and took turns pretending we were starlets in the super fancy bathroom and I fell asleep so hard SIDEWAYS across the bed and forced Bear to sleep on the small couch. Oopsie. More photos of me sleeping. Haha! [ed: never fear, I was only on the couch for a snooze]
A hard crash
The next morning I was BUZZING with excitement. We scoped out the venue and saw that it was attached to a nice small restaurant with some good looking toasties! Bear and I then took off and found a random event with booths and this really cool marching band called The Rolling Tones playing cover music and having the time of their lives! Next, we found a market with tons of fresh fruit and bread! I then made the startling discovery that a lot of payment terminals for smaller businesses only take debit cards, which I had but had not planned on using abroad because my bank is fickle and will flag me as fraud if I even breathe in a foreign country.
Like a real bear, Bear likes berries
After a quick back and forth, we had twisty cheese bread and fruit. Bear—a legendary non-bag-wearer—found a new bag and I was patting myself on the back for remembering sunscreen. We found a little boba tea shop with some yummy flavors and then decided to head back towards the car, which we had parked a little out of the way to be cheaper. A huge nap and a shower later, we headed to meet our friends at the restaurant connected to the venue. Our group grew and grew until we had a whole table full! I dove face-first into a huge toastie and noticed one of the guys at the table even had a shirt from the infamous Gemini Tour (the same guy wore an “Ingrid” shirt the next day and that’s one of my favorite albums!).
A many-cheese toastie
I could tell that the people around me would become good friends immediately. Some of them weren’t planning on going to Zwolle the next day (spoiler: they ended up doing so anyways, hehe!), but I was so excited to see so many people starting to gather. We made the trek up the three flights of stairs to the venue room and when the doors opened, I rushed to the merch table to scream/cry/laugh/hug the merch lady, Robin! If you aren’t familiar, she’s the lyricist for Delain and Eye of Melian. It was then that I realized I was wearing an Eye of Melian shirt, which I had packed as pajamas, but all my clothes were a bit too heavy for the heat! Robin was super busy, but still a gem. I really do love her a lot.
I had a very brief but wonderful chat with her and then moved aside so people could actually buy things. I had my hands and bags full with presents so I wasn’t going to grab anything until the next day!
Damian Wilson was in the crowd beforehand, just socializing and introducing himself to everyone. Bear has met him before at Ayreon shows and I gave him my last Delain beaded bracelet and asked him to be my friend (he said yes!) so we’re practically besties now.
So, here is the only complaint I have about this entire experience: the crowd in Dordrecht. The ones in front of me were great! The ones behind me and to the side of me? Kind of disrespectful. They were dumping drinks on people and bellowing embarrassingly loudly about ridiculous things—even while Damian was singing. Damian’s performance is better described by Bear in her live report, but I truly enjoyed him quite a bit!
When Altamullan Road came on, I knew the crowd would be a bit confused. Delain is metal and Altamullan Road is… not. They’re like sad girl jams mixed with those pep talks you get from random girls that change your life. I don’t care, I love all genres of music. I was just curious about how they would be received.
There were some tall people in front of me but it’s the Netherlands, that happens like every other minute. I wasn’t bothered! Then a spot opened up right in the center with a perfect view! It felt like fate. When Timo Kurkela and Mikko Iivanainen came out, I felt my eyes begin to water. There I was, surrounded by so many people that I had just met but already loved, seeing my favorite people for the fourth time in one year. I truly like to step back and think about how lucky I am to have experienced that. I don’t take a single second of any of this for granted.
And as the Johannas came out, I began to smile so big that my cheeks hurt for the entire next day. There’s a feeling of being small and insignificant in a wholesome way when you’re in a crowd seeing music together. “Miten pieniä me ollaan” is one of the lines from a Johanna Kurkela song I that really enjoy called “Maailman Valtiaat” off of the “Ingrid” album and that summed it up pretty well.
And although it was a smaller set, they covered “Moth to a Flame” by Delain and I laughed so hard! It was wonderful and silly and I love these people so much. It was a very well-kept secret and the crowd ate it up. I was so proud of them, but we all know my feelings about Altamullan Road by now. They really are some of the most wonderful people I have met.
Delain was amazing, per usual. All the songs I wanted to hear were there, including “Here Come the Vultures,” which I was surprised to hear. Also Paolo Ribaldini jumped in! I was so excited to see him there. There was such a wholesome energy filled with love during their performances. Ivar de Graaf joined them too! All-in-all it was a great experience!
After the show, I said hello to Robin again and bought things on a whim because Altamullan Road had merch? Now, I’m not a know-it-all, but I do know my fair share about Altamullan Road and merch has been on my wish-list for a while. I once had a dream that they sold monogrammed black cardigans on their tour, which I still think is a good idea. So when I realized there were shirts, I jumped on that so fast!
After the show, we coordinated plans with some people, but I was exhausted. My phone told me I had taken 30,000 steps that day in a pair of boots with a cracked sole. I once again fell asleep so hard that I left purple and blue hair color on the pillow and drooled on myself. [ed: but she didn’t snore… at least not that I noticed]
So the next day is one of those days that I will keep in my heart for the rest of my life. If I could bottle up that day and mass market it, I would. Bear was scheduled to do an interview earlier in the day and we were the taxi for some people to Zwolle. So our day started early and that meant an excuse to eat even more cheese toasties and for me to have a Redbull for breakfast. After getting cookies and brownies for all of the artists, we went about our journeys, picking up people, until we had a car full of lovely folks whom, while I had only just met, felt like immediate besties.
Road trips are the most fun with a full car!
We arrived in Zwolle kind of early (because I have anxiety over being late anywhere) so we left Bear at the venue and I went about to find more of my friends. What I had tried to keep on the downlow was that I was going to be allowed to sit in on the aforementioned Eye of Melian interview. I am against name dropping or boasting, so I kept it quiet. We all know my love for any project of which Johanna Kurkela is a part, and I try to be the most respectful and kind person that I can. So when I got to sit in on the interview, I was just there to be quiet and smile ridiculously a lot!
The highlight of the interview was watching Johanna get riled up over a Disney question. To this day, just watching the video sends me into giggles. I had a nice chitchat with Robin and Bear afterward but left to find some food (and more friends!).
My friends and I found this place called Jaffa Jaffa with a really good and really diverse menu! One of my long-time internet friends came to meet up with me and it was precious seeing so many people who didn’t know each other, just sit and talk and have a wonderful time. We headed back to the venue and I found a friend that came to see me. She had no idea who Altamullan Road was, only that I loved them, so it was really cool to see her experience the show for the first time!
Amazing group from Jaffa Jaffa
When we got into the venue, I was content standing in the middle of the crowd because I had seen them four times before this, but people moved and literally (gently) forced to me stand right up front. The room was really small, as the venue only holds about 120 people. Someone mentioned that Tuomas Holopainen was in the crowd, but I figured I’ll introduce myself to him some other time. He was there to enjoy a show, just like the rest of us, so I didn’t want to pester him! [ed: that is 100% exactly what you should do if you see him in a crowd]
While the crowd in Dordrecht was overall okay but a little off-putting at times, the crowd in Zwolle was amazing to the highest degree. People were so engaged the whole time and the vibe was just beautiful. Small venues have that magic already, but this group of people were just amazing. I can only imagine how it looked from the performers’ angles.
Damian’s set was great and he laughed out loud when he said he didn’t blame me (as the token American) for ruining Cadbury eggs! I really vibed with him and will continue to see him when I can!
I had already figured out that, because I’m a sassy little shit, I was going to point back at Johanna during the “become what laughter is to you” moment of “They Should’ve Sent a Poet,” because I meant it! It earned me a pretty smile and a giggle, which is all I wanted!
Once again, the best part was the end. I was expecting “What Was I Made For?” and everyone knew that I would cry my sweet little eyes out when I heard it, but I didn’t expect the onslaught of emotions that came from that stage too. Seriously, I think everyone was crying. And when Johanna cries, I cry harder. It’s a fact of life. The song is beautiful and to ask one’s self the question is hard. I got to chat with her after the show and lament over the song, which was very nice of her too. I watched all four of the performers come out and had a really nice talk with everyone who stuck around. They were extremely gracious about it. I got my time with all of them and I appreciate every second of it. I know performing must take a lot out of people, and they didn’t have to do any of that. That’s what makes this group so very special. I also got to say bye to Damian Wilson (because he is my friend now, of course!).
Kathy and Johanna Kurkela
As I said goodbye to my friends who traveled to see me and the crowd dwindled a bit, I said goodbye to Robin once more (she really is such a sweet soul and she deserves every shout-out that she gets) before heading back. We dropped some friends off at the bus station and it was a tad emotional. Bear and I soon went back to the studio and I really didn’t have much to offer because some things were really sitting heavy in my heart at the time. Good things, just heavy things.
The next day was our last, so we packed up, sent everyone our pictures, and talked about how much we loved the show and each other. It was bittersweet, but I was ready to go home. I had been wearing a different variation of the same outfit for three days because of the heat and I missed my wife and cats.
We stopped at some sort of mall that was… almost exclusively focused around food? I got some really good dumplings and looked at some touristy stuff, [ed: if you find blue cheese sausage in the Netherlands, do not hesitate to get it, and I say that as someone who isn’t a huge fan of blue cheese] before we headed out and made our way towards the airport. One of the major highlights of the trip was Bear and myself driving around Amsterdam listening to Johanna Kurkela’s “Ingrid” album. It’s one of my favorite albums of all time, and surprise! I have a short story coming out next year that’s based on it. (No one knows this until now, even Bear is finding this out as she’s editing it, hehe). We talked specifically about the song “Maailman Valitaat”—which is my happy place song. I can’t help but smile when I hear it and it’s a good reminder of our place in the world. We also discussed our mutual friend Helena Haaparanta and how she would nail a cover of “Yksinäisyys” from the same album. We then began to brainstorm around the song and how it was really a hidden gem about conquering loneliness.
After [Kathy got to experience me running out of spoons and becoming overrun with driver’s frustration and a degree of road rage because it took me a what felt like forty tries to find the car drop-off, only to forget that I hadn’t gassed up the car and had to do another forty loops], we dropped off our car and I dropped Bear off at her gate before making my way across the airport to the international terminals.
When I sat alone at the airport, knowing my flight didn’t even board for like 13 hours, I got really sad. Like, really sad. I had gone from being surrounded by seven-to-eight people at all times, to being very alone and vulnerable. I still had some things lingering in my heart, so I got kind of upset. Crying at the airport is common and me crying period is normal these days (in a good way!) so, when I jokingly told Bear that I was ugly crying alone at the airport and looping “Yksinäisyys,” she replied that she had just walked past and interacted with everyone in Altamullan Road at the airport—they were all on the same flight home. The hysterical happenstance of it all sent me into the weird watery laughing fit that really must have been incredibly entertaining to watch. [ed: it was honestly very sweet that Mikko Iivanainen came up to say hi to me… I think maybe he didn’t know that I live in Finland, which I had never considered!]
I have never slept at the airport before, so that was a little frightening. For the first time ever, I even slept on a plane ride. I ended up making all my flights this time and ended up at home just in time to fall asleep and go to work the next morning. I made a reel of all the highlights, if you want the condensed version.
I know I’ll be back to see these people again, I’m already planning on heading to Finland this winter to see Johanna’s holiday shows, though I’m waiting on more dates to be announced to say any plans aloud. But, if you see me there, please say hi. I love making friends and these people have really helped my find people that fill my cup and warm my soul.
Until the next adventure,
~ Kathy
Bear & Kathy - thanks for reading!
