How to Be a Respectful Fan When Meeting Your Heroes
You’re a huge fan of a band/artist and you’ve got tickets to see them live! How exciting! If you’re lucky, you’ve even got tickets to a meet ‘n’ greet where you can actually meet these people! Incredible! You must be extremely excited and I’m equally extremely happy for you!
However, as someone who’s been working the music scene for over a decade, there are certain fan behaviors that drive everyone bananas, but the problem is that people don’t really know how to address these situations. It’s also often the case that fan-friends who have met in fan clubs and social communities only know one another insofar as they love the same artists, so they might not know how to confront personal issues when it comes to other people’s inappropriate behavior.
That’s where this article comes into play! As someone who has been a fan, a media rep, and a crew member, I’m quite familiar with what’s considered appropriate and what isn’t when meeting your favorite artists. Here are some tips and tricks to helping make meeting your favorite artist an awesome experience for both you and everyone else around you, including the artists.
Artists are people, just like you: First and foremost, and more important than anything else, it’s always important to remember that artists, no matter their popularity (or attitude), are also human beings, just like you, and most of the decent ones out there aren’t comfortable with a great deal of attention from strangers. Artists, like us, are all flawed, they make mistakes, they misspeak, they don’t always portray themselves as perfectly as they do on their album or in their paintings or whatever. They have good days and bad days and sometimes they’re in a great mood and sometimes they’re feeling miserable. They all eat, sleep, poop… just the same as you. So remember to take a deep breath and keep in mind that hero worship is never healthy when taken too far.
Give too much personal space, not too little: While you may lose your mind a little when meeting your heroes, remember that artists generally meet a lot of fans throughout their careers and, while you may have a huge personal connection to this artist, remember that they do not know you. So rushing in for a hug or anything physical like that? Just don’t. Never presume to touch someone without their consent for any reason, especially during tours where people are conscious about not getting sick from contact diseases (especially vocalists). Assuming you’re relatively neurotypical and don’t struggle much with social situations, it’s not hard to recognize when someone is uncomfortable. If you’re uncertain, always ask if you can hug or touch someone first, and if you’re too shy to ask when taking a picture, just go with what the artist does (examples below). If they put their arm around you, you can probably put an arm around them too, but if they keep a small distance, you can, for example, put your arms behind your back. After all, you don’t want to leave your favorite artists feeling disgusted and annoyed after talking to you, right? Right!?
Be aware of the situation around you: You’ve stayed behind after the show with the hope that the band will come out and say hi. In Finland, smaller bands in club venues often come mingle with the crowds because it’s just good marketing to do so in a country that’s so full of artists, while bigger artists generally won’t do so without an arranged meet ‘n’ greet. If you’re in a club venue and the artists do come out to talk, do be aware of what the band is doing and how many other people are lingering with the same hopes as you. Do people there seem to be the band’s friends present? Are they in a rush to leave? Are there tons of other people waiting to talk to them? Remember to do unto others as you would have done to you and share the time and not bogart people all to yourself. Artists who do come out to greet fans, as a rule, would like to give time to everyone (especially their personal friends who come out to see them), so you’re not impressing anyone, including your favorite artists, by being selfish with their time, and it certainly won’t make you any friends.
Be aware of the people around you: Many fans are interested in just saying a quick hello and taking a picture or getting an autograph, but others have meaningful stories they want to tell too. It’s important to be aware of other fans around you and that you might not be the only one hoping to say hello. Try not to monopolize the artists to yourself, or nobody will want to be friends with you in the future.
DO NOT interrupt others: Relating to point 4, do you have any idea how often fans will interrupt other fan interactions in order to get something for themselves? Sorry to be blunt, but don’t be a selfish dick. If someone is having a conversation, wait until they’re done. Most decent people will see that you’re waiting and will find space for you when they feel it’s appropriate. It’s literally base-level human respect to not interrupt other people. It’s so frustrating to be having a conversation and have other people butt in every 3 seconds because they want an autograph or a photo. Also, this behavior does not make favorable impressions of you to your favorite artists.
Awareness of time is critical: Depending on the number of people around and the circumstances surrounding the show, watch the amount of time you’re taking from these artists. It’s a very different situation to be at a club venue like On the Rocks, where bands can hang out all night long, than at a church venue or cultural center where the band is also getting kicked out right after the show so the staff can close up. If guards are lurking and looking impatient, then perhaps now is not a good time to have a long conversation. Be considerate of everyone’s time, not just your own, as this can get bands in trouble too and they might not get invited back if the venue doesn’t get along with them. However, if a band has chosen to go hang out in a bar after a show, that means they’re likely open to being approached and aren’t in a rush to get out and be somewhere, so that’s a safer setting for longer interactions.
Spatial awareness is also important: Similarly to the last point, if the band is willing to talk, but half of the members are clearly in a rush to pack up, stay the fuuuck out of their way. This aggravates me the most while working merch, when I see my bands trying to pack up but fans are standing in the middle of the gear or in front of the exit… it’s usually the crew that get the brunt of these frustrations too (you know, the ones fans don’t pay attention to, who are just as important to the live sound as the band), so do treat these folks with some respect and try to be aware of them and stay off to the side and away from the gear when they’re clearly working (especially in Finland where people are unlikely to say anything). If bands actively want to chat before or after shows, they’ll likely be where their merch is, if they have any.
Contain your desperation for fan memorabilia: Unless you and the artist happen to be the only people around and they don’t seem particularly busy, it’s considered respectful to limit the number of things you’d like an artist to do for you. Remember, they have already done a great thing for you by making artwork that you love and it’s important that you show respect back to them by not monopolizing them or enslaving them to do tasks for you. Nobody wants to sign your entire collection of everything they’ve ever made in one sitting. If you’re a big enough fan that you have their whole collection in every variation, that’s rad, but try to limit yourself to three autographs. That’s a safe number to ask without coming across as entitled, rude, or presumptuous. Chances are, if you’re that big of a fan, you’ll have the chance to see them again.
Keep your stories brief: Chances are that the artist has done something life-changing for you and you want to share that, but remember that other people might want to do the same, and that the artist has a life outside of their shows. Many artists are thrilled to hear about the effect their work has but that isn’t true of everyone. Sometimes you might just be pushing your needs and desires onto the artist. So keep your stories concise and to the point so as to not waste anyone’s time. If you’re uncertain, give yourself a 1-2 minute timer. And if you feel like you can’t do that…
Write a letter if you need to: It’s perfectly normal to get starstruck or speechless in front of someone who has changed your life and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some of the most meaningful gifts that artists receive are mentions of how their work has changed or saved people’s lives and sometimes that story can’t be told in under 2 minutes. And sometimes artists like to re-read these stories, so writing them down and passing along the letter with a “thank you” is never a bad idea. This way, you can say everything you need to say and the artist is able to hear it when they have time and space and energy to do so. Yes, you lose out on the reaction, but you shouldn’t be doing this just to get a reaction out of someone anyways.
If you aren’t sure if a question is appropriate, don’t ask it: Some people are unable to have children, so asking people if they want or are planning to have children can be an insanely obnoxious thing to ask and might bring up unpleasant things. Keep in mind that their personal life is not and will never be any of your business and artists will only share what they’re comfortable with. You are not entitled to know every detail of their life, so don’t ask deeply personal things, like about their breeding plans and sexual habits. It’s also worth being careful about trauma dumping on artists. Just because they have helped you survive something doesn’t mean they have the energy or space to process what you’re telling them in that moment. Be respectful that not everyone is in a place to hear the stories you’re telling. Again, if you’re unsure, write a letter.
Be aware that other fans also give gifts: It’s common for people to want to thank artists for what they’ve given them by giving gifts in return. While anything hand-crafted or homemade is usually a beautiful gesture, keep in mind that if this artist has many fans, they might have an enormous stack of gifts from people they don’t know that could range from very meaningful to completely random. This is why I always encourage people to give perishable gifts: give some chocolates or coffee, something that’s commonly enjoyed but won’t fill up the artist’s house with trinkets (especially if the artist is known to be eco-conscious or anti-materialistic, for example). Knowing which artists are vegan and giving them vegan treats, for example, always gets a great response. Keep in mind too that, while some people like to give cakes to bands, home-made food might induce the same fears that ‘90s moms had during Halloween: they don’t know what you put in there and may not eat it. So even though it might be cheaper and more convenient and even more meaningful if you do it yourself, if you want to give them something they’ll actually enjoy, it’s okay to bring store-bought treats, because the artist can feel more secure about what they’re getting.
Professional work is not fan work: If you have a friend who has been known to work with the artist and has some privileges as a journalist, photographer, merch seller, crew member, etc., do not take advantage those people without express permission. For example, if a media rep has arranged something with the band, under no circumstances should you butt-in and include yourself. This is professional business and none of yours.
Know that there will (likely) be other chances: Unless the artist in question is an extremely rare visitor and is extremely important to you, remember that many artists—such as Finnish metal bands—tour and travel a lot by necessity. If this artist comes to your town/country with any regularity, you can play a slower game. Treat people with respect and awareness and they’re more likely to give you the time of day again in the future. And if I can recognize people I’ve sold merch to after one time, so will bands. If they see you being a regular supporter, they’re more likely to appreciate you and want to give you some of their time back. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t say everything the first time if you know there will be more opportunities in the future.
Ultimately, meeting your heroes is an exercise in humility, patience, and awareness. It’s important to remember that artists are people too, who have their own needs and desires and wishes, and that your fandom may not be the most important thing in the world to them or the other people attending the show. It’s okay to try to say hello, but do your best to not monopolize people’s time and to show them the respect that they deserve as an artist. If you would want this person to be who you hope they are, the best way is to give them the space and respect they need.
Also, remember that when in doubt, it’s okay to ask: “Do you have time to take a photo?” “Do you have time for an autograph?” “Is it okay to put my arm around you?” “Do you have time to hear a story?” Just remember to respect their response, even if it is a negative. Trust me, they’ll appreciate you for asking and that’s going to make a far better impression in the long run.
For some direct suggestions regarding the scene in Finland (Helsinki, namely), the venue where you’re most likely to meet someone is On the Rocks, which is great because it also doubles as the first place bands usually play when they come to Finland for the first time. The backstage there is ridiculously small, so only the biggest/shyest artists generally stay in the back if there are multiple acts playing. If you’re hoping to meet a band, that venue is your best bet and usually the situation is more casual there, so unless bands are packing up and getting out fast, it’s pretty safe to talk to people. Bands who actively want to chat and meet fans will usually be at the merch desk, which is also the safest place to approach people (generally, not just at this venue).
I never like Bar Loose because it has notoriously terrible sound quality, but it is also a small enough venue that there’s a good chance that you can grab someone at some point without being too obtrusive, though this venue pretty much only ever has smaller acts anyways. The backstage is bigger than at OtR but no so big that you’d be unable to find someone if you wanted to meet them.
Tavastia is a 50/50 shot. It’s a small enough venue that you can usually catch people between the venue and their bus/van/whatever, which will park out front. This is a good place to be aware of the situation around you and the timing, because you would likely be catching bands while they’re out for a smoke (possibly with friends) or rushing to their bus. Nab a photo or autograph, but ask first before telling longer stories, since they might have a hotel to get to or a ride to catch out of there.
Kulttuuritalo is unlikely, unless it’s a traveling band/artist who really likes to meet people. Even worse, Kulttuuritalo likes to shut things down really early (they once shut down merch for Devin Townsend before the line was gone, despite being one of the few venues that takes a cut of merch sales… wtf), so don’t expect people to have much time to chat after shows at this venue.
And, unfortunately, most stadium-level bands never come out after shows, so frankly, I wouldn’t waste my time at any of the ice halls or stadiums. If you really want to meet someone, check out the tour bus situation, because the venue’s never going to let you anywhere near the backstage.
I hope this advice helps and that when you meet your favorite artists, everyone has a great time!
