Reinhardt (RIP)

In the beginning of August, your mom, Pusu—which means “kiss” or “smooch”—showed up. Chubby and sweet, she marched into the house as if she owned it, turned her nose up at all of our startled boys, and settled into our bedroom on the dresser. She would often roll onto her back to get comfortable, and we could feel you then, already, though we didn’t know you yet.

On the 17th, you showed up. You were the second one out and you looked just like your brother, who came before you, so we had to paint the tips of your tails with nail polish—blue for you and black for him—so we could tell you apart. I had also painted my nails blue, just because I could. I didn’t think about how we matched already.

For the first week or two, you were so tiny. Like a little mouse with eyes closed, you wriggled and wiggled, testing every new texture that you experienced, and slept in a pile with your siblings like a bunch of tiny sausages or snuffed about for a nipple. You grew big and strong, the biggest of the three, so we called you the little chonk.

Soon, you all began to open your eyes. You were one of the first, like tiny zippers opening, slowly showing you your surroundings, your sight awoke. As you began to focus, you began to see the big wide world around you. You spent most of your time sleeping, so we held you as much as we could. There was a time when you fit perfectly into our hands, a tiny little puff asleep in a palm-sized ball. You were the most enthusiastic of the three about cuddling with us, which made us start to fall for you.

We moved not long after you were born. We got a nice little house for our nice little family and began thinking, it’d maybe be nice to have another baby, even if we already had three of our own, to make our new home complete. We told the breeder that we had really fallen for you and she, teasing me because I’m as much of an old cat lady as she is, told us that of course we could keep you if we loved you.

Every day, you wiggled your little limbs and filled your little belly, tentatively trying new things. Your tiny legs grew strong and you and your siblings started to paw one another and progress beyond a slow life of sleep and food and getting bathed. You had tiny, spiky, clumsy paws, but you figured them out, day-by-day. Soon, a big effort to wriggle became a big effort to walk, and the spark of life and strength filled you and your siblings. You began to move and climb and get excited about the big, wide world around you. You liked to suckle in your sleep and sprawl on your back to let us rub your sweet, tiny tum.

Those legs began to work more surefootedly with time, and soon the three of you were steadily moving about, even playing a little bit, learning to pounce and swat one another. Back then, it was so easy to convince all three of you to curl up in a pile in my harem pants -clad lap and just let me pet you softly as you snoozed. You would wriggle and crawl on one another, not sure who wants to be on the top and bottom of the pile, but no matter what, you always seemed comfortable.

Mama Pusu, Vili (Wilhelm), Raikku (Reinhardt), and Luna

You had been nursing and we had also been syringe-feeding you with goat’s milk to make sure you were all staying nice and fat and healthy. Eventually, the time came for us to start feeding you solids. We mixed ground pork and beef with sour cream into a paste and would put little balls of it in your mouths for you to suck on. You were very enthusiastic, happy to nurse but often just as happy to suck on those pasty raw meatballs. You also had the most perfect, unspoiled non-calloused little toe beans. You must’ve known how delightful they were because you had a thing for chewing on them too.

Sometimes we’d bring you into bed in the morning and let you play on the blanket. You would roam around and pounce on our feet and each other; nothing that moved was safe! Sometimes I’d take you to watch Overwatch with dad, because that was dad’s chill time. It was sometime around then when I asked if we should name you Zenyatta, after dad’s favorite character. He didn’t like the name, so then I suggested that we name you after Reinhardt Wilhem and he was so thrilled that in that moment, you truly, officially, became ours. Eventually, Born to Sparkle and Spark in the Dark (named for their dad, Sparks), changed to Sir Reinhardt and Sir Wilhelm (or Wil/Willy, which is Vili in Finnish). You were the right guy and now you had the right name.

Your ears got bigger and your colors began to come in. Luna was clearly different with her creamy tip on her blue tail, but there were also subtle differences between you and Vili: your ears were a more vibrant orange and your tail was striped. As you got older, it became clear that you had a creamier color as well, but with a little white spot on your back; a cream bicolor and a red lynx bicolor! It was never easy to tell you two apart at a glance though, at least until Vili got a reputation for being a whiner.

I also remember how funny it was that Bowser was genuinely frightened of you guys. It didn’t matter what age you were—for the first 2-3 months or so, he’d run in fear if we showed you to him. Silly, if you think of how much he has always enjoyed the company of other cats. Even later, once he got used to you all, despite being 5.5kg to your 1.5kg, a fight between you two seemed unusually fair.

You didn’t stay the chonk forever, either. For a good long while you maintained a 100g lead on Vili and Luna, but you would take occasional breaks from gaining weight and they would catch up to you. By the end of September, Luna was the fat Queen Bee and Vili had a 100g lead on you, but you were still a happy and healthy little man, full of vim and vigor.

I’ll likely always remember you as the boldest kitten. You were the first one to enjoy cuddling with us (which meant being taken away from mom for a moment, so it felt like a lot of trust from you) and you were the first to calmly sleep in a lap. You were the first to boldly step beyond the tent where you were born, and the first to leave your room to explore the whole house. You were even the first to take a sip of water from the fountain. You paved the way fearlessly so your siblings could confidently follow suit. You’d even use me and my floppy pants as a safe space in which to hide if you needed, trusting that if there was danger, my harem pants and I would keep you safe. Even when it came time for potty training in your little boxes full of oat flakes—which are easier for kittens to digest when they inevitably eat a bunch of it—you were the first one to go to the box to pee. It was like you knew exactly what to do. Luna and Vili watched you; Luna immediately followed suit but Vili got the litter box confused with Pusu’s food dish, much to our amusement.

Watching you grow was such a treat. Every day, getting bigger and braver and stronger. You went from wiggling blind mice to little cotton balls who could walk and talk and pounce and play. You were a smiley little guy, easy-going and happy, with a lot of natural kitten spunk. Everyone’s toes were at constant risk from your tiny teeth and claws! Still, you slept together in the biggest cuddle puddles, always so small and precious.

One of my favorite memories of you was from early on, when I was interviewing Altamullan Road for Musicalypse. They were the only band who had wanted the camera on during the interview, despite me transcribing it later into text. Since those two feel like kindred spirits to me, I thought they’d appreciate it if I held you, tiny and sleeping, but a few weeks old, in my arm under my chin. Before she even got a hello out, Johanna Kurkela let out an absolutely delighted squeal upon seeing you, and Johanna Iivanainen was also over the moon for your precious little face. In moments like those, it brought me so much joy to see that it wasn’t just me/us who appreciated your perfect little self. I got to experience the joy of sharing you briefly with the artists who wrote the album that we listened to when you were gone.

I also brought you on as a contingency plan when I was doing IGTV interviews for Tuonela Magazine in November. There is always a period of time when you were waiting to connect with your interviewee and sometimes they would be late or would not know what to do, so having you nearby was calming. I also thought I could use you if I needed to improvise. The internet does like kittens, after all. During the talk with Shereign, you were asleep under the camera. You wiggled a little during the interview though, so I picked you up and you completely distracted Sara Strömmer from what she was saying… but it was super cute so we didn’t mind!

With strength came curiosity and you were soon exploring the house. We couldn’t believe how quickly you learned to climb up the couch. You’d all sleep in a pile at the base of a cat tree, with Pusu above guarding over you, at least until you woke up and the rumpus would begin. One of my very favorite sounds in the world is that of galloping kittens. We still remember the times early on when you would all launch yourselves off the couch, as hard and far as your little bodies could go, like getting popped out of potato-guns. You’d rocket off the couch and splatter all over the floor, your little legs not strong enough to catch your fat, fluffy little bodies on the slippery laminate. It didn’t matter though, you were so little and squishy that you’d just pop up and keep going.

I remember not being able to find you one afternoon. Vili and Luna were curled up in one basket next to Simon in the window. You usually congregated together for naptimes. I searched all over, only to find that you had somehow made your way onto my sewing table and were fast asleep in the bowl we used to weigh you. You were absolutely not allowed to be there and frankly, I wasn’t quite sure how you got up there in the first place, but you were so sweet and serene in the bowl that I couldn’t bear to wake you.

You were a perfect baby boy to the breeder as well. Your beautiful color, perfect profile, and sweet blue eyes, as well as your general looks made you a darling with huge show and breeding potential. Every picture she shared of you in the breeder’s community had other breeders begging to buy you, but sorry, she said, he’s already got a home. When you had your second trip to the vet for vaccinations and your microchip, they discovered that one of your testicles hadn’t descended. Oh dear, we mused, you might not be able to be the breeding champion you could have been. We wondered if your other ball would find its way down and you would carry on Simon’s line, or if you would have to tap out of the breeding life (not that it mattered much to us… Simon’s line lives on in other cats and kittens). It’s just a shame to think of all the beautiful kittens you would have made someday, since you were such a perfect little guy.

You and your brother developed a taste for cheese and treats, which led to the creation of the “no paws on plates” rule in our home. You two were so bad that we couldn’t have casual lunches on the couch anymore because you two would be up on your hind legs with your toes on our plates, trying to get a treat. Later on, you did it at the table with Luffy too, little fuzzy faces poking out from the chairs next to us, wondering if there was something good coming your way, or if something good could be coming your way with a flourish of that cute baby face. I would have hoped you could take enjoyment in something tasty towards the end, that we could have spoiled you with anything you would have wanted to eat, but I’m sure you had more on your mind than food at that point.

You were such a good boy, with just enough of that badness, that natural kitten curiosity and peskiness, to keep us on our toes. Plus, you always just looked so sweet when you were up to no good, so it was hard to be upset when you would go places you weren’t supposed to go, or nibble cords that you shouldn’t nibble. For a short while, you made a habit of coming to me at my desk and yapping when you got bored and your siblings were still asleep, so I’d pick you up and put you in my lap. Then you’d immediately crawl up onto my desk (where you were still not allowed!) and cram yourself onto a small, empty shelf, as if to say, “Hey, I found the perfect thing to fill this space!” How could I ever say no to that?

If we had any hopes or dreams for you, it was that you’d be like Simon—our big old angel—when you grew up. He’s so big and loving and relaxed, and as his grandson, you had a lot in common with him. You weren’t necessarily a needy old slut (yet?) like him, but considering how badly Luffy spoiled Bowser as a kitten and what a sloppy boy he grew up to be, we thought it’d be nice if you “apprenticed” with Simon. As it just so happened, once your mom went home again with your sister, and your brother went to his home, you needed some love and attention. Most of the time you were happy with us, but sometimes you were clearly looking for your mom. In these moments, we’d often tuck you into Simon and he would patiently tolerate your presence, baby you a bit even. And you… oh you just loved to be there, tucked into grandpa’s arms, getting cuddled or cleaned. Often, if Simon was asleep in a basket, we’d plop you down with him and you’d happily curl up with him. Other times, he’d lay down with you because you were where he wanted to sleep. Occasionally, you’d just go snug with him of your own accord. Either way, to us it felt like you two were bonding. You’d come to him and he would say no, I’m not in the mood, but you would push against his chest and insist, and he would look at you with eyes that said, “Fine, if I baby you and have a snug, will you go away for the rest of the day?” and your answer was an enthusiastic yes. You two would sit down together and he would give you a little bath and then you would have the biggest smile on your face as he held you. Then you’d curl up together, tucked into his tum or with his head on you (he didn’t care, if you were in the way he’d just log roll on top of you), and you were so happy, so content. The best part was that you were never too pushy about it. You knew just how much to insist to get what you wanted, without annoying him and making him leave. I had made a habit out of taking a picture of you two every time you were curled up together, with the intention of creating a long timeline to see you growing up, curled up with your grandpa. I’m so glad I did, even if there was only a month or two in there in the end. It was heartwarming, on your last night, to see you go—of your own volition—for one last cuddle with grandpa Simon.

Maybe that’s what made you feel like a part of the family from so early on. You were so easy to love. Of all the kittens, there was just something about you. I often wondered, why is it that I love you, specifically, so much. In all honesty, your kitten personalities were not very different. Little girl Luna was surely very sweet and we called Vili “Whiny Willy” for a reason. You were just so… cool. Small and cute, sweet and chill, you loved being held and carried around. You’d accept a kiss on the nose any time I wanted to smooch you. You loved big long full-body strokes and tummy rubs and feather toys. You were too clever to eat crappy food. You knew Luffy was good for a quick bath if you went to him and that Bowser was a push-over. You knew they were your boys and we were your people, so when Pusu and the other kittens left, it felt natural that you were still here. You didn’t miss a beat. You started coming to slump next to me when you wanted some attention, and sometimes, if I was wearing low-waist harem pants and crossed my legs, you’d crawl into a nest I’d make for you and lay the fabric over top, and if I peeked in at you, you’d playfully swat at me. I was so excited to find out if you’d eventually be a lap cat like Simon. What kind of a guy would you have grown up to be, in the long run, I often find myself wondering. It’s heartbreaking, knowing that we’ll never find out.

You had three trips into the yard in total. The first two were during harness training, when I carried you out to the garage with me just to get you used to being outside. The last was on your last day, because we just wanted to show you your kingdom, what should have been yours. You cried a little (we cried a lot), but you were happy wrapped up in my wooly sweater against my chest, and looked about the vastness of our new yard with interest, at least for a moment. You should’ve been able to spend every summer out here, chasing away neighbor cats and making sure the birds and bugs knew who was boss. We never got to show you around outside properly. Grass and stones, concrete and dirt, are all things you never had a chance to experience in your short time.

We spent that last morning at your side. The previous night had been so hard, knowing our time with you was very, very limited. The day at the vets, on your 4-month birthday, you still had some pep in your step. You had been tired, with low energy, for a few days, but you still had a little life in you. We could have given you antibiotics, opiates, and kept you a few more days… but to what point and purpose? No, that would have been hard for and on you, and too heartbreaking for us. You had become distended and jaundiced already the next day, so we knew we had made the right choice… not that it made it any easier. I took pictures of everything you did that morning, from scratching your scratching tree and hanging out with Luffy, to those last moments in dad’s arms as the tranquilizers set in and you became calm and peaceful. Rubbing your sweet little face, there was no response from you, no wrinkling of that tiny nose, so we knew you were at peace, no distress. We lay you down on the table and in an eternity in a few minutes, you were gone.

Little things around home had to be cleaned up, lest they remind us of your absence. A quarter of an Inupekt, a basket left in your favorite place on the floor, the book with all of your baby weights, even the tooth marks in dad’s thumb from you biting him as we tried to give you some tummy meds, all of it reminded us of the big gaping hole left where you should have been. Four cat baskets, but only three cats.

I don’t know if you knew or understood how much we love you, but I hope we gave you a good life, for four months and a day. We will miss you deeply, for we had a lot of love to dedicate to you, for what we hoped would be 10-20 years. You will always have a special place in our hearts and there will always be a small empty space in our lives where you should have been.

In the end, we hope to see you when it’s time.

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